Thank you

 Dear Owen and Landry

Thank you for making me, me! I still have so much to improve on but I am better than I was before 2008 when Owen was born. 

I am grateful for all the things you taught me and continue to teach me from above.

I am not perfect, but; I am kinder, more empathetic, I think of others more than before. You taught me to love without end, to serve when not convenient (still need a lot of improvement here), to rely on Heavenly Father for strength even when I just want to crumble.

Thank you both for choosing me to be your mom. I love you!

Thank you, 

Love Mom

Happy 13th Birthday!

Happy birthday in heaven Owen. 13 years ago you decided it was time to make your appearance. I can't believe it's been that long but it really has.

We made a mint chocolate ice cream cake again. That became tradition thanks to Dallas. He brought your grasshopper creamies and you loved them. If I remember right that was your favorite flavor! You liked frosting and strawberry yogurt too.

This year we gave a gift to a family in need of some extra love. I am excited for them to get it, it is still in the mail. I am pretty sure they will love it and the comfort I hope it will bring to them. 

We tried lighting lanterns and after 7 failures, dad finally got one to float heavenward. We love that we believe in heaven and know that is where you are.

We love you and hope you had a happy 13th birthday! Wow, a teenager! I wonder if teenagers in heaven have a teenage attitude ;) nonetheless we love you and always will.

Love, Mom

P.S. I cannot wait to celebrate birthdays with you again, although the cake making skills have gone downhill a bit :)

Christmas 2020

 Owen and Landry

Merry Christmas to our angels, we love you! Time flies by and I haven't taken time to sit down and record what we have been doing. We think of you often and try to live better lives because of you.

Bentley is serving a mission, I know you already know. In fact you know everything because you I know you are watching over us.

Abby is a senior and is so happy to be able to be in school and be social.

Dad is ranching and keeping track of grandpa ;) Of course he got the lights up again, in hopes of you enjoying them up in heaven.

I am trying to keep up with all of them. I love it!

This Christmas our gift in your behalf was given to two different families. They are two of my favorite words; Believe and Hope. I forgot to take pictures but 'Believe' sits on on a surface and 'Hope' hangs on a wall. Both of these families needed a little extra Belief and Hope. Thank you for inspiring us.

Both of these words describe the two of you! We did believe in you, Owen, and I am so glad we did! You made us believe in so many things especially believing in ourselves and being able to care for you at home. What a blessing we were given that confidence and chance! You made us truly believe and not doubt eternal families, HUGE blessing! I don't know what we would do without that belief and knowledge. I am so grateful.

Landry, you gave us hope! I remember when my prayers changed from praying for what I wanted to praying for the hope to bring you home. I am so grateful we had that hope. You gave us hope for many things. Hope for tomorrow, hope for eternal life and the hope that we WILL see and be with you again.

We love you boys so much and will be forever grateful for your part in our family. We are sure Christmas in Heaven will never disappoint. We are grateful for the knowledge we have of where you are, that you are busy and taken care of.

We love you! Merry Christmas!

Love Mom and family

It's been a long time!

The past few years have been a whirlwind and I have not taken the time to write down feelings or document our life with angels. Today I got news of the passing of our dear Dr. Chan. He was a miracle in our lives. We were truly blessed to have had him on Owen's team and then 'add' himself to Landry's.

I have not taken the time to tell those I love and appreciate how much I do love and appreciate them. Today is another day that regret is heavy. Dr. Chan came into our lives in just that right moment. Our weeks at the NICU when he was the attending doctor were so much brighter than those without him there.

I wonder if he and Owen were buddies before this time on earth? He knew Owen and Owen loved him. I know I have shared this story before but it is so dear to my heart I want to share again. There were a few dark weeks in the NICU that Dr. Chan wasn't on Owen's rotation. The doctors had convinced us, or rather tried making decisions for us. They told us Owen would have no life, that he would ruin our family life and had us convinced that we needed to let Owen go. They made it sound like that was our only option. We had made arrangements to have a 'family room' for a night with Owen, Bentley and Abby before turning off machines the next weekend.

I don't remember the exact day, but days before that weekend I was holding Owen late one night, as I did each night. I even remember what I was wearing, a brown t-shirt with Wyoming in pink letters. The door from the hallway opened and in walked Dr Chan, with light beaming around him. I really think he walked with angels. He came into our room, looked at me and said, 'is this your decision?'. I told him that it wasn't our decision but were told we were torturing Owen by keeping him alive. He then told me to look down at Owen's eyes, as I did, he told me not to give up until his eyes give up.
How grateful I am for the late night visit! Dr. Chan was my ray of light in the dark night. Owen's eyes continued to be a highlight each and everyday until he left us. His eyes told us so many things, if he was happy, sad, sick or if you were just in the way of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. He even teased with his eyes. Oh how I miss those eyes! I am so grateful for the 7 1/2 years Dr. Chan gave us with Owen! I will be forever indebted to him and those he recruited to 'Owen's team'.

A few years later when Landry was born, I was at home at the time, when I called the nurse to check on Landry she told me he had a visitor and that he had fed Landry his first bottle!! It was Dr. Chan!! I couldn't believe he had driven to Logan to check on him. He gave us words of hope and encouragement for Landry. Weeks later when Landry passed away, he and his wife came to the funeral to show support and love. I am not sure how many funerals he attended because of his profession but the NICU world was blessed to have him as long as it did.

I am grateful for Dr. Chan and to my Heavenly Father for putting him in our lives. We didn't get to know him much outside the hospital but he will always be in our hearts.

Talking with angels

I remember the day I took this picture. It's blurry because it was with my phone away from Owen and I had to zoom in so I didn't disturb him. This is what I would refer to him 'talking with angels'. I would be in the kitchen or somewhere away from Owen and I would hear him 'talking' happily. He would be making noises while smiling. The first few times I rushed over and started talking to him because I thought it was so cute. When I would get to him and start talking he would give me the look! It was like I just brought him back to reality. The look of why in the world did you disturb me ;) He had quite the personality!

The first times that I really realized and took note of this was when I was pregnant with Landry. I was telling my sister one day and she said "he's talking to his little brother". After that when I would hear him I would quietly listen and watch from afar. He would make noises and smile and his eyes were either closed (because that's what happened when he smiled) or he would be looking up at nothing or what I thought was nothing.

I know he was close to those around us that we may not see. I am pretty sure he was never alone, in fact there were times when we had scary situations with Owen. It was all pretty much a blur during the moment. As I reflected on the situation I realized we weren't alone, I call these heavenly hands. After one situation I thought about what had happened and I knew that Lenn and I were not alone at all. The room was full, more than just Lenn, Owen, Bentley, Abby and myself. I am not sure how exactly how to explain what I felt but I know we had a lot of helpers that night and many other nights. Maybe it was because Owen was so friendly during these talks of his.

I will never forget these or the spirit this little guy was surrounded with. He really was my strength and I miss that!

Happy 8th Birthday....in Heaven

Owen would have turned 8 on Sunday. His first birthday in heaven, oh how we miss him!

We believe that when you turn 8 you reach the age of accountability and you can choose to be baptized into our church. I knew that even if Owen was still here he wouldn't be able to be baptized but the thought of baptism wouldn't leave my mind. 'Great to be eight' kept running through my mind. One on night the thought came to me that for Owen's birthday we could go to the temple and do baptisms for the dead(baptisms by proxy for those who have passed on). I got excited and told Lenn and the kids. The next thought was that we should invite family and friends to do the same!

Friends and family went to the temple to celebrate Owen's 8th birthday! I was so excited. Some went for the first time, others went and took pictures, some are planning on going later. It makes my heart happy that this was done. I want to thank all of you who have gone or plan to go or just thought of him on his birthday. He is missed, but still very loved!

We went to the temple on Saturday and as I was getting our names I glanced at the guy next to me, his name card read Owen Robert.....I knew we where supposed to be there and that our Owen Robert was there with us! We had a great time together as a family in the temple, it was our first time as a family.

I'm so grateful for the spirit that gave me the prompting to go and 'give this gift to Owen'. It made his birthday so much easier to get through. I know he is busy up there but also that he takes time to check in on us when he can. I'm also grateful for his special birthday buddy, angel Mercydez. Her family has been a blessing to us for the last 8 years. They will always have a special place in our hearts.

Happy 8th birthday little buddy!!

Owens birthday cake. He loved frosting, chocolate and grasshopper (mint covered in chocolate) creamies. His cake was chocolate with a layer of mint chocolate chip ice cream. 

His therapist would bring creamies and Owen loved the mint kind. Thanks to Dallas for the inspiration.

Temple pictures that were shared with us.

Merry Christmas 2015

Dearest Owen and Landry,

Merry Christmas to our sweet lil' angels! We truly love and miss you! I am glad you have one another to celebrate Christmas together with Jesus this year! Even though Christmas is very different for us this year, there is some comfort knowing you two are together. 

Thank you for watching over us and always being near, even when it's hard to remember I know you are not far.

This year has been an especially hard, but special Christmas! We have been given some of the sweetest gifts because of you. We will always treasure them. We also have the sweet spirit that represents you both.

It is hard not wrapping a gift to physically give you both but I love giving a gift in honor of you. This year the gift went to a special family with two angels of their own, one of them was a NICU neighbor to you Owen. This family has had a special place in our hearts for years. The mom drove down to your funeral (many hours) pregnant and with a toddler, missed the viewing, stayed for the funeral just to turn around and go back home.  

Before your funeral we stopped at the post office to get the mail and we had a package (besides Abby's baby chicks!!) The package was for you Owen, it was the leg warmers I bought to get you prepared for Bentley's upcoming football season so your little legs had a chance at staying warm. When we found out this family was expecting a baby boy I knew you would want him to have them. That is how we picked the family this year.

The pictures and poem- I love having you sweet boys as part of our Christmas decorations. It started in 2010 after you (Landry) were born and returned to Heaven. It felt so empty as Christmas was approaching and Grandma Walker reminded me of a poem that my aunt like for her son that had passed away. You know me, I can't just have the poem, I have to add a picture! Each Christmas I replace your(Landry's) picture on the wall with this one for the Christmas season.

Here is the new one.

The 'lips' (chap sticks)- we know you (Owen) loved your 'lips' and got to pick a flavor each day.

That is the gift we gave in honor of you and your memory. Dad also added some lights outside for you to see. My favorite is the wreath with the two angels. 

We love you and hope you have a very Merry Christmas. 

Love Mom, Dad, Bentley and Abby