Look there's Landry

During this last Christmas break I was down at my family party.  My dad was sick in the hospital and my sister, her husband and I went to visit.  We stayed for a bit and came out to a beautiful sunset.  I said something like, 'wow look at the sunset'.  My sister replied right back, 'look there's Landry'!  I think I gave her a weird look but she said doesn't remember. I was in awe that she said what I was thinking.  Not only do sunsets now remind her of Landry but she wasn't afraid to speak his name! I loved it!
I didn't realize I had my camera with me or I would have gotten a clear shot from the hospital. When we got back to my other sisters house I was able to capture the beautiful sunset that evening.  I was almost holding my breath on the way back trying to get to my camera to get a picture.  I was afraid I would miss it, but I didn't!  Maybe time does stand still when we need it!

I am so grateful we were able to see this beautiful sunset and grateful that it waited for me to get a picture, even though it's a bit blurry and trees were in the way.
I am also grateful for my sister remembering my little Landry. I am so glad he is not forgotten!
I somehow see my little guy in each and every sunset!

Grief and Reliving it

This last week another sweet angel was received in heaven. This little guy was a miracle to say the least. He beat the odds, he made it through so many things doctors didn't think he would. Now his journey on earth is through, his mission is complete. The joy in heaven is probably immeasurable, but the pain for those left on earth is also immeasurable.


Years ago I was his mom's visiting teacher.  I got to know her a little and then they moved to the other ward in town. We visited when we saw each other but kind of lost touch.  A few years later I started getting calls that I needed to get back in touch with her. She was pregnant with her third child and the 20 week ultra sound showed the baby would be born with difficulties.


I got back in touch with her and even though it has been heartbreaking it has been one of the best things I have done and worth every tear!


Last week he went in for a simple surgery and never came home. My heart has broken once again in their behalf. Whenever an angel is called back home I relive saying goodbye to Landry.  It is hard to describe but it isn't like losing Landry all over again, you heart breaks knowing the family is starting this journey at day one!


Emotions and memories come flooding back! After burying a child your own perspective changes and your empathy for others is so much more than before. You can relate to them, it is almost like going through the stages of grief all over again.


You cry, you feel pain, yet are numb. The comforter is real and is there to comfort, but the pain is still intense. You expect time to stand still and every one's life should stop until you are ready to move on.  I have realized if time stopped for every grieving person until they were ready, we would be frozen in time. If the world stopped we would stop, there would be no reason to continue on if we didn't have to. It is a lot like the gospel of Jesus Christ, unless we are moving forward we are going backwards. Even when it is the hardest thing we can fathom, we must push on.


What some do not not realize is that losing a baby can be the hardest thing to get through. (I say baby because that is what I have been through). It takes time to find a new 'normal', and until you do EVERYTHING is hard. Leaving the house was about the last thing I wanted to do, thank goodness Lenn was so good to do all that for me.


Then I had to go to my doctor check up, I wish Lenn could have done that for me, but obviously he could not! I sat in the waiting room with all the pregnant women or new moms! I wanted to dig my own hole and crawl in it! I had called the day before to inform the office that Landry had passed away so they would know before hand and I wouldn't get the 'how's your baby doing' question. I was finally called back and after all the nurse questions, she set my chart down and left the room. I glanced over at the chart and in big underlined letters it said BABY DIED! I was stunned! I really don't know how they could have written it better, but to me at that time felt harsh.


I survived that appointment then had to go shopping! That was harder than I expected, nobody knew, so it seemed like nobody cared! At times I wanted to yell 'don't you know my baby just died'? How could everyone just be carrying on with life as though nothing had happened? How could they be ignoring their crying babies and didn't they know all those posters with baby hands on them were so hard to look at?


It is almost crazy what goes through your mind while grieving a baby (loved one).  They may seem
a little off to anyone not grieving but to those who are or have they are very real.


Landry has been gone for almost four years and last week everything came flooding back, each step almost hour by hour. Calling Lenn and then my mom. Lenn's parents bringing Bentley and Abby, taking them into another room and trying to explain to them that their baby brother was now in heaven. All the details came back as though I went through it yesterday. They are etched in my mind and as painful as they are I am grateful for them.


I am grateful for my knowledge and testimony of Jesus Christ. I am grateful to know that I can be with Landry again. Without this knowledge I don't know where I would be today. It has given me the hope I have needed to carry on with this journey we call life.


My heart is heavy for this special family but I know they will get through this.  Time helps.  It is said that times heals all wounds, I do not believe it.  However, I do believe that time will help mend a broken heart.

Merry Christmas 2013

Dear Landry


Another Christmas is here!  It's hard to believe that this is your fourth Christmas in Heaven, although you never spent a Christmas on earth, it's still hard to believe.


I have felt you near a lot lately and I want to thank you for helping me along.  This time of year can be a struggle, even though it is my favorite time of year.  I always worry!!


This Christmas season has been a nice one, we didn't do any one thing in honor of your name but we did a few different anonymous things, (you know what they are).


This year we also added some new decorations to have reminders of you.  Dad bought a really cool angel solar light.  I have never seen anything like it!  I can't wait to put it out, but I think we will wait for some better weather.  I got some angel ornaments, that are pretty cool and a little angel statue that isn't all girly like most angel things.  Grandma got Bentley and Abby each a dragonfly ornament that is pretty cool too.  We also got you some beautiful white flowers for your garden marker outside.  I was hoping they would freeze quickly and stay for awhile but our weather warmed up just enough to ruin that plan.  We enjoyed the sunshine though.


We will always love and miss you!  Thank you for continuing to send us beautiful sunsets to enjoy every night.  Thank you for cheering us on during those down times and hard days.  Please continue to be with us and help us through this journey we call life.


We love you little man and hope your Christmas in heaven is wonderful!


Love you always and forever
Mom

Where is Heaven, Is it very far?

I was raised to know that heaven is never far away.  I believed it while I was growing up and still do to this day...maybe a little more now than before.

Both of my parents are in heaven and an incredible aunt and uncle took me and my two sisters in and called us their own, making one family out of two.  They became our mom and dad too.

My mom taught us that our parents and heaven were always near and I know that to be true.  When Landry passed away, there was some peace knowing that his death was not the end, because of my knowledge from my upbringing.  I know that he too, will always be close because heaven is as near as you let it be.

After Landry passed away, Lenn and I became obsessed with sunsets!  I cannot remember the one time that it really came to me but I remember thinking 'I bet the little angels in heaven are in charge of the sunsets each night to help was remember them'.  After that I have watched for the perfect timing of sunsets.  I don't catch each one but I try.  They bring me such peace and an excuse to sit and think of my little Landry.

Since sunsets bring me such peace I love to pass that one to others who have lost a loved one.  I had the idea of putting Landry in a sunset and I loved it.  It put two loves together!  I have done a few for others and I hope they find the same peace that I do when I see sunsets knowing that Landry will always be close and there to help us along this journey we call life.

 

 



This thing called death...

This week has had it's highs and lows.  The highs have been wonderful and the lows have been horrible!

We found out that Lenn's old football coach and friend lost his mom, then the very next morning we found out that one of our good friend's had lost his dad in a tragic accident.  This morning we found out that sweet little Maggie, an sma angel, had been called home to heaven to join her big brother. 

Our hearts have been heavy the last few days. 

We do believe in Heaven, we do believe in life after death, so why is death such a sting?  I wish I had the answer but I do not!  I have said and heard others say that it is the ones who are left behind that don't want to have to go on without their loved ones.  It might be selfish, but I am right there.  It is hard!  It is something you never plan on or expect to have to go through.
It doesn't matter how old, sick or weak a loved one is or how ready you might think you are.  I do not believe you can ever truly be ready for the reality of the death of a loved one. 

After losing Landry, life became different, very different.  It probably seems crazy to some what some of us hold on to or what we might do because of it.  We are very blessed to have two healthy children.  We probably spoil them and give them way too much but it is hard not to.  It is hard not to try to capture every single moment of every single activity!  I am grateful for photos and videos.  I probably have way too many pictures and videos to ever get organized but I don't care it gives me something to hold to.  (I really don't think you could ever have too many photos though).  So if you ever think we are crazy at a football game, me with a camera, Lenn with a video camera and still taking full advantage of all of Karla's pictures we just might be.  We may be a little crazy but that is what is getting us through grief, I guess.
I can't help but feel blessed and taken care of at this time.  Owen is doing well, as well as he can, and will be six in January. 
Even though we are part of the SMA community and we hear of death a lot, it never gets easier!  Each time an angel is called back to heaven are hearts break once again.  The thoughts of Landry passing come rushing back.  The tears flow without warning and your mind stays with the family dealing with the recent lose.  Even when you don't know the family your heart honestly hurts for them. 

This song has been in my mind all day today, especially the third verse.

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good

1. Each life that touches ours for good
Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
Thou sendest blessings from above
Thru words and deeds of those who love.

2. What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

3. When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.
4. For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
Devotion to the Savior’s name,
Who bless our days with peace and love,
We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.

Placed in our lives

I believe in a much bigger plan than any one of us could ever imagine. I believe the Lord places the people in our lives they we need the most.
Over the last five, almost six years, we have been blessed by the people who have been placed in our lives.
This fall, Lenn was looking at more sheep!  He found some and told me he was going to get them.  I told him I wanted to go, which was odd.  It is so much easier to stay home, but I had a strong feeling to go that day.  I kept trying to talk myself out of it, but I kept getting that same feeling that I should go.  We loaded Owen up and off we went.  The whole way over I kept thinking of all the things I could be doing at home.
We got to the place where the sheep were and there was an older man and a younger lady.  I was in the truck with Owen and Lenn was visiting with them for awhile. Then the lady left and later came back out and headed for the truck.  I opened the door to say hello and instantly I knew why I needed to go that day!
This young lady has a story of her own, and a fairly recent one. Yet she seemed so brave to be talking to me about it and keeping her composure the whole time.  Yes, there were a few tears but her strength was something to write home about.
She has a little angel that came way too early due to her own health conditions and also hospital negligence.  She told me her story and then told me what miracles she witnessed with the birth and passing of her sweet little girl.
I am very grateful I was able to meet this lady, she is no longer even in the country but her strength and testimony will always be a great example to me.  Sometimes it helps to know that we are not alone in our trials that we are given and to see others with such strength lets you know you can do it to.
I know our loving Heavenly Father has a plan and even though it is not always fun or easy, His plan also contains the help we need to endure the trials that are given to us.  We have been blessed with such great examples through friends and family and I am so grateful to have them through any trials that come our way.

Celebrating your 3rd birthday with a gift of HOPE!

Our dear little Landry,

We can't believe you would be 3 years old, oh how time flies!  I don't know how it is possible but it is, it feels like forever since I held you in my arms but it seems like just yesterday when you came into this world.

Each year I try to think of a way to give you a gift.  I know I can't but I can't help but think you would want us to give to someone else.  This year I thought and thought and it finally came to me, I am sure it was with you help!  We gave a gift of HOPE to a special family, we pray that is does just that, gives them hope in their upcoming future.

I bought you a cute little sweater before you were born and since you never got to wear it, I have wanted to give it to someone special.  I haven't found the right someone until recently.

There is a special little boy coming to this Earth soon.  He has been tested and it is confirmed that this little soldier has SMA.  He has an older sister who lives in Heaven too, she also had SMA.  When we heard the news of this little guy I really wanted to do something for them.  So that is how we picked who would get your gift this year.

We gave them your little sweater so that he can go home and grow into it!!  We gave them a CD with some special songs, letters, poems and a HOPE plaque.  We hope they enjoy them and that they were touched with a little bit of your special spirit when they received it.

Landry, you are such a special part of our family!  We would not be complete without you, that is maybe why some days can be so hard.  We know that one day our family will be able to ALL be together in one place and at the same time.  There will be no more separation. 

We can be together forever one day!

We love you so much and I pray you will keep sending us love, keep watching over us and helping us through this life.

Happy Birthday my sweet little guy!

Love Mom

I asked a friend at the last minute if she could make this and I think it turned out great. Thank you!

Happy Birthday sweet boy!



Dad, Bentley and Abby brought you another dragonfly and your little bunny for Easter and Springtime.

Your flower made an early appearance this year on your birthday!  This flower always brings a smile and remembering you.

You even had some Easter eggs colored for you!