This year is different. We were still excited for Lenn's birthday and March madness.
I have feared March for the last few months. I don't want to celebrate Landry's birthday without him and yet I want to keep his memory alive. I am excited about what we are going to do to celebrate Landry but I am scared of the emotions and pain that keep coming and getting stronger each day. I am pretty good at putting them in the back of my mind and keeping myself busy with Owen and other things. I know though that I have to face these emotions. It just hurts so bad and I don't want to!! I don't like to cry because it hurts, physically and emotionally. It is so draining yet relieving, so I am facing a few today and just know that my eyes and head will hurt for the next day or two.
I know Landry is in a great place, working hard and watching over us but when I don't have that eternal perspective all the time it hurts. A great friend recently posted that 'her arms ache for her angel but her heart rejoices for her'. That is the perfect way to describe what I am feeling. I know if Landry were here he wouldn't be able to eat his little cake or be crawling, sitting or walking. He would be hooked to machines and tubes and unable to move. My heart hurts anyway!
I never understood that heartache was a real feeling, I always thought it was an expression or figure of speech. No, it is real! I am sorry if I ever judged or doubted someones heartache. I miss my baby, even with the knowledge of the Gospel, I miss him and my arms ache to hold him once again!
Even though my hearts hurts I have to realize the good that came because of Landry. He made me a better person and has brought really good people into my life. He has inspired me to be better and do better, to love and serve more, to be more empathetic and each day try to be more like my Savior. I have a long way to go, but it is easier knowing I have something big to work for.
I will be praying for you! The first birthday is so hard.. who am I kidding everyone is hard. He is such a sweet angel and I know he is proud of your family. You are such amazing parents and you take such great care of his brother! Much love always to you and your sweet family. Im here if you need anything!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. Heartache is a real feeling and it isn't fair that sometimes we have to go through that. I do believe that it makes us a stronger person in the long run and it also makes us feel for other people who go through the same feelings as we do and try to help them through their trying times BUT it definitely isn't easy when we are so hurt that it feels like you can't function. Our little man has been gone for 12 years and if I let myself think about it too much I can still break down and not function. Thankfully we do have the knowledge that they are in a better place and that we WILL have them again. They are up there cheering for us and rooting for us to make good decisions and be the best we can be. That saying is true that your arms ache for your baby, but your heart is happy for them. Take care and call if you need anything, even just to talk.
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