Grief and Reliving it

This last week another sweet angel was received in heaven. This little guy was a miracle to say the least. He beat the odds, he made it through so many things doctors didn't think he would. Now his journey on earth is through, his mission is complete. The joy in heaven is probably immeasurable, but the pain for those left on earth is also immeasurable.


Years ago I was his mom's visiting teacher.  I got to know her a little and then they moved to the other ward in town. We visited when we saw each other but kind of lost touch.  A few years later I started getting calls that I needed to get back in touch with her. She was pregnant with her third child and the 20 week ultra sound showed the baby would be born with difficulties.


I got back in touch with her and even though it has been heartbreaking it has been one of the best things I have done and worth every tear!


Last week he went in for a simple surgery and never came home. My heart has broken once again in their behalf. Whenever an angel is called back home I relive saying goodbye to Landry.  It is hard to describe but it isn't like losing Landry all over again, you heart breaks knowing the family is starting this journey at day one!


Emotions and memories come flooding back! After burying a child your own perspective changes and your empathy for others is so much more than before. You can relate to them, it is almost like going through the stages of grief all over again.


You cry, you feel pain, yet are numb. The comforter is real and is there to comfort, but the pain is still intense. You expect time to stand still and every one's life should stop until you are ready to move on.  I have realized if time stopped for every grieving person until they were ready, we would be frozen in time. If the world stopped we would stop, there would be no reason to continue on if we didn't have to. It is a lot like the gospel of Jesus Christ, unless we are moving forward we are going backwards. Even when it is the hardest thing we can fathom, we must push on.


What some do not not realize is that losing a baby can be the hardest thing to get through. (I say baby because that is what I have been through). It takes time to find a new 'normal', and until you do EVERYTHING is hard. Leaving the house was about the last thing I wanted to do, thank goodness Lenn was so good to do all that for me.


Then I had to go to my doctor check up, I wish Lenn could have done that for me, but obviously he could not! I sat in the waiting room with all the pregnant women or new moms! I wanted to dig my own hole and crawl in it! I had called the day before to inform the office that Landry had passed away so they would know before hand and I wouldn't get the 'how's your baby doing' question. I was finally called back and after all the nurse questions, she set my chart down and left the room. I glanced over at the chart and in big underlined letters it said BABY DIED! I was stunned! I really don't know how they could have written it better, but to me at that time felt harsh.


I survived that appointment then had to go shopping! That was harder than I expected, nobody knew, so it seemed like nobody cared! At times I wanted to yell 'don't you know my baby just died'? How could everyone just be carrying on with life as though nothing had happened? How could they be ignoring their crying babies and didn't they know all those posters with baby hands on them were so hard to look at?


It is almost crazy what goes through your mind while grieving a baby (loved one).  They may seem
a little off to anyone not grieving but to those who are or have they are very real.


Landry has been gone for almost four years and last week everything came flooding back, each step almost hour by hour. Calling Lenn and then my mom. Lenn's parents bringing Bentley and Abby, taking them into another room and trying to explain to them that their baby brother was now in heaven. All the details came back as though I went through it yesterday. They are etched in my mind and as painful as they are I am grateful for them.


I am grateful for my knowledge and testimony of Jesus Christ. I am grateful to know that I can be with Landry again. Without this knowledge I don't know where I would be today. It has given me the hope I have needed to carry on with this journey we call life.


My heart is heavy for this special family but I know they will get through this.  Time helps.  It is said that times heals all wounds, I do not believe it.  However, I do believe that time will help mend a broken heart.