I am not sure where to begin. The details of that day will not leave my mind.
It really started the day before when I decided to do my own car seat trial in a regular car seat. I hooked him up to his pulse oximeter so I could monitor him. He wasn't tolerating it great so I turned up his oxygen, took him out of the seat and really didn't think a lot more about it except that I was a little disappointed. Later that evening I bathed him with Bentley and Abby's help I noticed that he was struggling without his oxygen for this bath. We hurried and made sure his oxygen stayed on him. That night as I put him to bed and put his pulse ox. back on, his O2 sats were not good. Lenn and I played with the oxygen concentrator a bit and then realized he was needing more than the pediatric meter would allow. At first I wanted to blame the equipment (it was a little dinosaur looking). It is easier to blame equipment than bring yourself to reality.
Landry being in bed asleep did not last long, maybe an hour when he began fussing. I got him out of bed and went to our spot on the couch. I tried feeding him but he wouldn't eat. He was fussy and wouldn't settle. He woke up on and off throughout the night and I tried feeding him each time but he just wouldn't eat. I held and tried to soothe him. We had spent plenty of previous nights in our spot on the couch. I held him all that night.
When morning came I got the kids off to school and then told Lenn about our night and that Landry had not eaten more than an ounce since the night before, I was worried.
Lenn had to leave that morning to go get a rental van so ours could be fixed. As he was getting ready I was talking to him about getting Landry to Primary's. We had already decided not to go there but when push comes to shove I always question my decisions. I was wondering about cough assist treatments and anything else we could be doing to help our little guy. In the end we both felt good about not going down there. (I still wanted to call and make an appointment.) We knew in our hearts that if we went to Primary's we wouldn't be able to come back without machines. We knew we made the right decision for our family and for Landry. As much as that breaks my heart I know it was right.
Lenn got on his way and I got on to my morning routine with Owen. While Owen was getting his vest treatment Landry got fussy again. This time when I tried feed him, he not only ate but sucked down 3 ounces and wanted more. I was so excited I called Lenn. I told myself "he just had a bad night and he is okay". I continued on with getting Owen ready for the day and soothing Landry, he was still a little fussy. I called my sister-in-law to wish her a happy birthday.
Owen's nurse came and that is when things started happening quicker. Landry's color was not good at all and I knew it but I was trying to play it off and get the nurse to leave. (Don't ask me why!) She lotioned Owen and played with him for awhile, all while I was trying to hide Landry in our bedroom and pretend all was well. She finally left and that is when panic set in. I tried to call Lenn. He didn't answer. I think I tired him every 30 seconds. The one day he would not have service and his phone was off. He always has his phone on. I tried calling my friend that can take care of Owen, no answer and the other friend was on her way to SLC. I was losing it and quickly while I held my baby that I knew was not well. I finally called our dear doctor and she said get him to the hospital. I told her I didn't know how and I couldn't get a hold of Lenn. I remember her next words so clearly, 'you need to get him to the hospital or he will die', I replied 'I know'. I fell to my knees and asked for help, pleading with the Lord to not take my baby. I have never felt so helpless and so alone. (I know we are never truly alone but that is the closest I have ever felt like I was). I got up and called Lenn's Mom and asked if she could care for Owen until I could get someone else there. She said yes. When she got to our house I was so scattered. I was getting Landry ready and she insisted on calling 911. I didn't want that but looking back I am glad she did. Where we live an ambulance could take 45 minutes or longer to get to us so Lenn's Dad took us to meet them. Sometime in the middle of this before my mother-in-law got there my phone rang and I hoped with everything I had that it was Lenn, instead it was Lenn's sister that teaches school. She never calls during the school day! I remember after hearing her voice saying "why are you calling me?" She paused for a minute and could hear me crying and I knew this was an answer to my prayer. I told her what was going on and she went and got her other sister, that can care for Owen, and they both left school and came to help.
I finally got a hold of Lenn. He couldn't believe it. He said he turned on his phone and the signal telling him he had a message sounded. "I knew something was wrong.", he said. Just hearing his voice was so calming, I knew I was not in this alone. Even though we had decided not to go ahead with life saving efforts for Landry, it was so hard to be without Lenn making that final decision. Lenn started our way immediately and made unbelievable time. I know angels were carrying him.
We met the ambulance, I think outside of Randolph. I think Lenn's Dad took a big sigh of relief and that is why I am so glad we finished on the ambulance.
During our ride to the hospital Landry did okay, his sats were pretty good but his color never did come back. The EMT's were amazing and kept me calm to whole way. I remember just rubbing his little hands and his soft fuzzy hair as my tears fell. I knew the whole way up there what our final decision would be but I couldn't bare to say it without Lenn there. He was trying so hard to get there with us. As we pulled in to the ER, I was on the phone with Lenn "no CPR, right?" I just kept saying that over and over. I don't think Lenn wanted to say it just yet either. He wanted to see his son one last time.
They took Landry in and put him on a bed preparing for CPR and intubation. I walked in and said no, all the staff took a step back and I picked up my baby only for him to be taking his last breathes. That was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life thus far, and yet the peace in doing and saying it was the most peaceful feeling I have ever had with me.
I could not believe it! I just couldn't. This was not supposed to happen this way. This baby was to be a miracle in a whole other way.
Lenn got there awhile later and we held each other and cried. We then dreaded breaking the news to Bentley and Abby. Lenn's parents were on there way with them and it seemed like it was taking forever. It was so heart breaking when I saw them. They were so excited for this little brother to come into our family and be healthy.
When they got to our house before coming up to the hospital Abby said "I just want Landry". She could tell something was wrong. There hearts broke as I told them there baby brother was now in Heaven.
My heart is still broken and always will be, but I believe with faith, courage and time it will mend.
The last picture I took of Landry was the night before. I will always treasure each and every one of them.
Lenn picked up some solar candy canes and a snowflake for Landry. We had planned to go over as a whole family but Owen had just gone to sleep and had not been feeling great. I made some hot chocolate and Bentley, Abby and I went to the cemetery.
I think of Landry and the empty spot he has left in our puzzle. No matter how hard we look we will never find that piece, nor can we replace it. It is just gone for now. It hurts so bad, knowing our baby is gone. As a Mom, I want to be able to fix everything and knowing that I can't just re-order this certain puzzle piece is a bit frustrating.
