Merry Christmas from Dad

Merry Christmas from Dad!

Merry Christmas Landry

My sweet Landry, how we miss you. You are a very special part of our family and we will never forget you. We know you must have had a lot of work to do in Heaven and we are grateful you came for as long as you did. We are most grateful for the time you spent at home with us.
I know you will have a great Christmas this year, after all you are in Heaven and what better place to spend Christmas than with the Savior himself.

Last year I had a really hard time not getting you any presents. I really wanted to give you something special but I never did think of anything that seemed appropriate. This year is different and I will do this every year. I saw a story on t.v. about a family with their own little angel named Izzy Jane. They have a foundation to help other families with the cost of babies' funerals. When I saw there story I knew that was where I would begin.

This year I made a donation in your name to the IzzyJane Foundation. As I made the donation, I could feel you near. I know you loved it!

Thank you for being a perfect example to us. Thank you for reminding us where we really want to be and what we must do to get there. I pray you won't ever give up on us, that you will keep cheering us on and pulling us through the tough times.

We love you so much and wish you a very Merry Heavenly Christmas.

Love all of us at home

(If any of you want to donate in Landry's name or your own angels name you can click here www.flutterbyizzyjanefoundation.org)

Grateful

Since the first of November there have been thankful posts on facebook and on blogs. I am very grateful for many things in my life, I just haven't taken the time to post anything.
I love this time of year! We are reminded to be more loving, kind and to show more gratitude for what we are given. It leads us right up to the season we celebrate the birth of Christ. I am so thankful for this season and the feelings that it brings.
One thing I am so grateful for is my children, each one of them. I love them all and wouldn't trade a one of them. I am grateful for the spirit that our two special boys brought to our home. I really took it for granted until people started mentioning the spirit they felt around Owen. I then started noticing more often how good it did feel to be with him and what the feeling really was.
I was reminded of that special spirit and week or so ago from Abby. We had watched '17 Miracles', and Abby had some bad dreams. (Which Lenn happily got to say "I told you so"). Abby came and got in bed with me that night and I just cannot sleep when a child is in bed with me, so I told her to either go to her bed or the couch. She picked the couch and I went and got her settled.
The next night she told me not to worry she would not wake me up again if she had bad dreams, "I will just go to Owen's room again, it was so comforting there" she said.
Another reminder of just how blessed we are and have been the last almost four years.

'Beautiful Heartbreak'

I love Hilary Weeks. I saw her on Mormon Times yesterday morning and had to share her video. The song is absolutely beautiful with an amazing meaning. We all have heartbreaks in our lives. Many of those heartbreaks can be viewed as beautiful, it may take some time but in the end we can see the purpose and beauty.

Angels in Sunsets

We have had some beautiful sunsets this summer and everyone of them reminds me of Landry.

Appreciation

The last little while my brain has been going non-stop as I have tried to make sense of thoughts, feelings and emotions. A statement from an angel Mom came to me. She has lost two children to Type II SMA. She said that she had come to appreciate death. I thought I knew what she meant, but until now I only thought I knew. I think I am now getting closer to knowing what she really meant.
As I think of Landry and his passing, it really couldn't have been better, for him. He never suffered. He was never miserable. As hard as it was and still is to let him go I am learning to appreciate a few things surrounding this excruciating heartache.
I only met this mother once but I will never forget the lessons I learned from her. I was only able to talk with her for a few minutes but her words will last a lifetime. I am grateful for that and I appreciate how I came to meet her.
Now as we deal with the future and the day that we will have to say goodbye to Owen, that appreciation keeps coming back to my mind. We went to his trach/vent clinic appointment yesterday and one of the doctors (a true earthly angel) listened to Owen's bowels and couldn't believe they were still working as well as they are. I am not sure how this all fits together with appreciation, but I guess I appreciate the fact that the Lord is taking care of Owen and us as his family. Owen has no pain! Enough said, really! I can't understand how his bowels can be so slow moving, and yet he is happy and comfortable.
Maybe I am hoping to 'appreciate death' before I have to watch my little man suffer or be miserable. And maybe I am just hopeful that one day I will be like that courageous Mom that I met for a few minutes one day. Death will take my precious boy one day, but without death he would have to suffer. I don't know that I have shared my feelings in a way that anyone else can understand. I appreciate being raised with the gospel of Jesus Christ and my knowledge of eternal families.

That being said... I have a lot to appreciate in my life.

Memorial Day Weekend

I know I posted Landry's decorated grave on our family blog but I wouldn't feel right if I didn't put a few pics here.
Lenn has wanted a bench for the cemetery so this year I decided he could have a Father's Day gift a little early. The kids' and I got him his bench and it was here just in time for Memorial Day weekend. They're only on loan,
a gift from God,
these babies we call our own.
So we take them and love them,
the best we know how
and teach them until they're grown.
But some sweet spirits,
too precious and pure
will not need to stay very long.
And we never know
when the moment will come,
for Father to call them home.

by Chrysanne Henry

from the book Too Precious for Earth by Amy C. Maddocks

Landry's Angel Day~One Year

Landry's Angel day...first of all we made up some baskets to donate to the Logan NICU. The idea came to me as I looked at the some of the gifts that were given to Landry. I didn't know what to do with them. I wanted to do something good though, in behalf of Landry. We took most the outfits, (the ones that hadn't been used yet), and diapers that I had bought and made up gift baskets. The baskets were some from the flowers at his funeral. Thank you for your generous gifts to us and Landry. I hope it was okay to pass them along.Bentley and Abby were out of school for spring break so we headed to Logan to deliver the baskets. Abby kept telling me that I couldn't cry like I did before when we took back formula and his car bed. I was thinking 'yeah right'! We got to Logan, it was raining on the way but not too bad, just as we got there it started hailing like no other. It was crazy. It was so loud in the van. When we got to the hospital Abby and I took the baskets to the NICU. I told the lady at the front we wanted to donate these baskets to the NICU. She looked at the size of diapers and said in a real nice voice, "you know we use smaller diapers here in the NICU." Yes, I had thought of that but who doesn't like diapers that your baby can grow in too, right? I couldn't muster up the strength or courage to tell her why we had chosen the NICU and who these gifts came from. I figured I had done what I wanted and she could do whatever she wanted with the baskets.On the way home from Logan we thought we had taken a wrong turn and gone back to January!! The roads and weather were pretty bad, but we made it.We stopped at the cemetery to leave an angel and a bunny (Easter was coming up). We had also ordered some tulips. We left those and decided that if we took his solar snowflake maybe we would be lucky enough to enjoy some spring. It worked for a few days! And this.... as if Landry had sent us a gift. Our first flowers bloomed that day. I took a picture because I figured they wouldn't last long with the weather.

We ended the day with another beautiful sunset and view.

Landry's Birthday

I have put this post off for various reasons but I have already forgotten some of the feelings that I had so I figured I better post. I am sure I was pretty miserable to live with for a least 6 weeks before this day came. I didn't know what to do, or how to act or feel. I was in a state of confusion to best describe it. I wanted to do something big to honor Landry, but time and creativity were not on my side. I wanted to do something as a family, but of course sick season is still huge. Owen had not been doing great so it was really hard to plan ANYTHING. We decided to keep it low key and see what the day would bring. Bentley and Abby both had things at school that they didn't want to miss. (I think that was a great sign that they are doing okay through all this.) Lenn and I took Owen and went to lunch, came home and got Bentley and Abby and then headed to the cemetery.

Owen fell asleep, as usual, right before we got there. Bentley and Abby sent balloons and we left a little monkey. We had other things ordered but they came the day after. After our visit there we came home to find that someone had come and left a nice treat and a cute decoration. We are surrounded by such loving friends.I wouldn't feel right if I didn't make a cake for this special day. The cake topper was Bentley's when he turned one. I added a little dragonfly to his foot since dragonflies are now a great reminder of Landry. We got to end the day with this beautiful sunset. I know Landry was with us to celebrate his birthday. It wasn't has emotional as I had expected but we did keep ourselves busy. I think the anticipation of the day was so much worse than the actual day. Our little angel would be one. I still can't fathom the whole idea of it being over a year ago. I know he is busy doing a great work. I also know that he watches over us. I am grateful for my little angel but oh how I miss him in my arms.

Remembering Landry Gale Johnson

Remembering Landry Gale from Gayle Johnson on Vimeo.

Happy birthday little angel Landry, we love you. We cherish the days we had with you and will never forget your sweet spirit. Thank you for the love and example you have shown us.

Happy 1st Birthday little guy!!

Dear Landry

I wanted to post this letter to Landry from a dear friend. Many of you probably read it last year but I love it and wanted to post it. I love and miss this little guy so much and this friends' words always give me hope and inspire me to hold my head up. Thanks Ashley. Dear Landry,

I'm grateful you were able to come see your family, meet them, and stay with them for awhile. I'm grateful you were blessed with the mommy and daddy you have now, for eternity. I'm grateful you have such a beautiful sister and two handsome brothers, who will always remember you. I'm grateful you were able to visit the earth, if only for a short time.

And now, you are back in heaven. I never got to meet you face to face. I'm so sad. I wish I could have. But, one day, we'll get to meet. Until then, watch over your family. They all have a long road to endure.

You see, Landry, it's not easy to loose a child, regardless of how long you were able to have them be a part of your earthly life. As one "angel mom" put it, a part of a mothers soul dies with her child... that part of her soul never breathes again. I think it's the same for daddy's souls. I'm also sure it's the same, but also different, for brothers and sisters too. It's hard. I can tell your mommy misses you, with all her heart. Landry, you have a beautiful, kind, STRONG mommy and daddy. You are so blessed. Their hearts are aching. They are shattered. They feel so much sorrow, it's indescribable.

It's not fair to have to be the "strong" ones, the ones who at many times, feel so alone in their trials. It's not fair to be a parent who endures the loss of a child, to continue on for the rest of our lives, smiling, laughing, and facing each day as best we can, while deep, deep down, we are broken. We are alone. We are different. It's a world few who are "inexperienced" even dare think about visiting, and that makes it hard too.

But, it's not fair that the rest of the world doesn't get the opportunity to be receive the greatest blessing God could possibly give: a beautiful, celestial child. There is nothing comparable. There is nothing as priceless. Because of our blessing in receiving priceless children like you, we find strength to endure the loneliness. Our celestial children make this loneliness bearable. Our celestial children make the loneliness WORTH IT. I know I'm probably not making sense. I know you know what I mean.

I know you have brought such a light and hope to your family. I also know they miss you with all their souls.

Watch over them, Landry. They need you as their angel. Words won't bring the peace they need right now. Only the companionship of their sweet little angel can offer them the peace they need. I know you are with them. I know you love them. We love them too.

We pray you will be able to spend some time with them, as their angel. We pray they will feel you close by.

Would you mind telling our little angel princess that we love and miss her? Please let her know we wouldn't trade her for anything. We are grateful for her, just as your family is grateful for you. Thank goodness our families are forever.

With all our hearts,
Nic & Ashley
and li'l angel Mercy

~So hard~

It's March!! Last year we were all excited for March to come. Lenn's birthday is in March and he thinks it should be celebrated nationally!! (I am not joking). We try to make it a big deal for him and it is a highlight. We also love March madness and look forward to that. Last year we knew our new baby boy would be joining our family in March too.

This year is different. We were still excited for Lenn's birthday and March madness.

I have feared March for the last few months. I don't want to celebrate Landry's birthday without him and yet I want to keep his memory alive. I am excited about what we are going to do to celebrate Landry but I am scared of the emotions and pain that keep coming and getting stronger each day. I am pretty good at putting them in the back of my mind and keeping myself busy with Owen and other things. I know though that I have to face these emotions. It just hurts so bad and I don't want to!! I don't like to cry because it hurts, physically and emotionally. It is so draining yet relieving, so I am facing a few today and just know that my eyes and head will hurt for the next day or two.

I know Landry is in a great place, working hard and watching over us but when I don't have that eternal perspective all the time it hurts. A great friend recently posted that 'her arms ache for her angel but her heart rejoices for her'. That is the perfect way to describe what I am feeling. I know if Landry were here he wouldn't be able to eat his little cake or be crawling, sitting or walking. He would be hooked to machines and tubes and unable to move. My heart hurts anyway!

I never understood that heartache was a real feeling, I always thought it was an expression or figure of speech. No, it is real! I am sorry if I ever judged or doubted someones heartache. I miss my baby, even with the knowledge of the Gospel, I miss him and my arms ache to hold him once again!

Even though my hearts hurts I have to realize the good that came because of Landry. He made me a better person and has brought really good people into my life. He has inspired me to be better and do better, to love and serve more, to be more empathetic and each day try to be more like my Savior. I have a long way to go, but it is easier knowing I have something big to work for.

Thanks to Photoshop!

Since Landry only lived with us for a very short 23 days our pictures are limited. Abby had a slight runny nose the whole time he was alive. We had to be cautious so she had a mask on in all of the pictures of her holding Landry. Thanks to photoshop she now has two pictures holding Landry without a mask. I know she is in the same spot in and the same outfit but she does not care. She is just happy to have one.

I have played with this picture for hours on photoshop and I couldn't get something that I was impressed with. I finally resorted to sending it to a photoshop pro that has an amazing talent with anything to do with photos. This is her finished product and I am so excited. I love that we have a family picture with all six of us!! Thanks Ashlie, you are amazing!

Ways I Remember.....

This is Landry's memory box. I suggest anyone who has lost someone have one of these. We have it to keep special little things in. I love it. He is still part of our family even though he isn't physically here with us and little things like this remind us. I opened it the other day and saw he little socks that he wore his very last day here. Then I saw the bottle that he so miraculously drank from. As I think back to his short 23 days a lot of miracles happened on behalf of our little Landry and our family. For him to breath on his own and drink from that bottle was nothing short of a miracle. He came home to be with his family and that too was a miracle!

SUNSETS!! I love sunsets, sunrises, fresh blankets of snow and anything else that looks like it was sent from Heaven. I can't help but think maybe Landry has something to do with all those things now. I can just see all the little angels up there painting the perfect sunsets each night.

Treasures

Each fall I get so excited to take pictures of my kids for my wall. This year there was a different feeling. I still wanted to get pictures with the fall leaves and colors but changing them wasn't as exciting. I now have one picture that will never need changed. It will forever be the same. I have thought about just changing it to a different one, but he will never grow or be any different. It is hard to fathom sometimes that it wasn't all just one big, bad dream.

I love this wall in my home, these are my treasures, even though two of them will likely be waiting for me on the other side. These are four of my biggest blessings. I am grateful for each one of them even with the heartaches that come with them.

It isn't easy and probably never will be, but what in life is easy? I truly believe with all my heart that the Lord gives us what we can handle and nothing more. I know He knows we can endure but sometimes it is hard to be on the same page. I would have never guessed that this would be my life or my future. I would have never even thought about being able to handle what I have been given, but when He gives it to you; you find a way to make it. Even though I would not have hand picked these trials I would not give them back now. I have been blessed with two very special choice spirits that have changed my life, my attitude and pretty much everything about me. I am a different person now than I was before. I hope it is for the better and if not I pray that I get there. I also believe He gives us what we need to help us through our trials. I know I would not be where I am without Lenn, Bentley and Abby. We both have great families and friends and people who have become family since Owen was born. We are where we are because of all you special people in our lives. Because of Owen and Landry we have been blessed to meet and come in contact with some amazing people that we would have never met without them.